Chronicles of a Believer

---

“This is just a lesson,” an unfamiliar voice whispered.

April 2021: I was entering into yet another romantic relationship, so I didn’t have to be alone.

I disregarded the voice as a random thought.

Three months later, the relationship ended.

An old version of myself would have slumped into depression, allowing my life to be consumed by another loss.

This version of me refused to do so.

It was summertime which meant I had no obligations, and I had time to reflect and heal.

I listened to empowering music to keep my spirits lifted. There was one song in particular that, while it wasn’t necessarily about God, it still gave praises to God.

Die Under the Moon by Yung Bleu and John Legend is the name of that song.

John Legend’s ending part encouraged me the most as he sang:

“Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God

Deeper than words, they take me to church

Bruises and burns, they make me stronger

Make me stronger, make me stronger.”

I remember sitting in my room while listening to that song one day. And when John Legend’s part came on, it touched my spirit in a way that it hadn’t before.

I lifted my hands, crying tears of joy and praising God.

Although I was experiencing heartache, I was thankful for the growth and the lesson that came out of it.

One month later, August 2021: I was talking to people again. I was looking for my forever, but no one was keeping my interest.

That is until I went to an open-mic poetry show at a small, Black-owned bookstore in September.

That’s where I met the guy that I had my first serious relationship with.

Our first date had to have been divinely ordained, but it was on our second date that I understood why we met.

Around this time, I had no relationship with God, and I was on the backend of the new-age spirituality path.

I was still somewhat into astrology and tarot, but my soul was craving something more; I just didn’t know what it was looking for.

The guy I started seeing was very rooted in his faith, which I admired very much. But, I had already tried the God thing and it never worked out for me.

But on that second date, when he was sharing his testimony with me, I began to cry because his words had touched my heart. I turned to him, with tears in my eyes, and told him “You were placed in my life to lead me back to God.”

I’m not even sure how I knew what I was telling him but somehow, those words just came out.

At the beginning of our relationship, he would show me how to pray. He would talk to me about what it meant to be in relationship with God. He shared written prayers and videos about the gospel.

One aspect that always I appreciated about the way he shared his faith is that it was unconventional. He spoke about God in a way that was so real and relatable, unlike anything I had ever heard about God.

But where I was at in my journey, I had never known God, or love for that matter. I didn’t understand my value or identity in Christ nor did I know how to find contentment in being alone. So, in order to keep this guy interested, I began to change myself into what I thought he wanted; a Godly woman.

Flag one.

My reason for seeking God became centered around another person and not for the sole reason of seeking God Himself.

I changed my behavior without understanding that I didn’t have a renewed heart to match.

I started neglecting my needs and sacrificing parts of myself to be in the relationship.

I grew frustrated. The God thing still wasn’t working for me. I would try to sway this guy off the path of Christ but he wouldn’t budge, so I kept doing what I thought I needed to do to keep him around.

I still hadn’t accepted Jesus into my life but instead, trusted in my good behavior and generous acts which meant I was trying to earn what I already had; God’s love.

I grew weary, wondering why trying to form a relationship with God felt so hard and useless.

But, I persisted and on January 26, 2022, I accepted Jesus into my life.

For the next several months, I saw the ways that God started working.

I abandoned old ways of thinking, I was no longer anxious, I was happier and God was making my life fruitful with opportunity.

I listened to gospel music more, I started reading the word of God more and I was praying more.

But, I still found that at times, I sought God because of this person I wanted to be with.

Our relationship was great, however. We laughed, we loved, we cried and we planned our future together. People would compliment us all the time, telling us how great we looked together and how we needed to get married.

We always took that as confirmation that God wanted us to be together.

All the while, God was not at the center of our relationship and our relationship slowly grew unhealthy.

November 2022: We had our first breakup and separated for a few days.

I went home and he stayed at the apartment that we shared.

During that separation, I really sought after God. My heart was hurting, and I was scared of losing this person. I knew that God was the only One who could get me through the feelings I was facing.

“Let it go,” a voice told me one night while I was laying in bed.

Suddenly, I felt a peace wash over my mind and heart as I loosened my grip on this relationship.

In my mind, I still wanted to be with this person, and I thought that God was telling me to let it go so that He could restore the love, joy and peace that was once present.

But, God was telling me to let this relationship go completely.

And instead of heeding to His direction, we tried again and… failed.

One month later, we officially broke up, and I had a feeling that this breakup was final.

I was heartbroken. For the first few days, I woke up with a heavy heart and barely had the strength to make it through the day.

At this point, I really needed God because He was the only One that could give me what I needed to get through.

I prayed harder, crying out to God and asking Him to heal my heart.

I prayed for strength to get through each day.

I prayed for peace to fill my heart, and I prayed that my heart would remain soft.

I prayed for my joy to be restored, and I asked God to forgive me for any of the ways I sinned against this person I loved.

I started praying for the guy I had shared a year of my life with.

I prayed that God would mend his heart and keep him close.

I prayed that he would continue to grow closer to God.

I prayed and asked God to help me to forgive him for hurting me.

I prayed to not become bitter towards him.

I prayed and asked God to help me to be happy for him, even if that meant not being with me.

And I prayed for God to help me to accept the reality of what happened, so that I didn’t hold on to unmet hope.

It’s been a little over a month since the breakup, and I have grown tremendously, as a person and in my relationship with God.

Before we broke up, I was unable to see how our relationship was harming my relationship with God and stifling my growth as an individual.

And looking back over our relationship and the brief relationship prior to, I see how God was ordering each of my steps back to Him.

You see, I hungered for my happily ever after so much that God knew the only way He could get my attention was through what I desired the most.

I always believed that once I found my person, everything would fall into place and life would be better.

All this time, I had been looking for what I desired most when He had always been there.

So, my return back to God started during the summer of 2021, in my room, listening to that song.

As I journey through this new season of life, I thank God for leading me back to Him, and I thank him for allowing me to experience such an amazing person, even if it resulted in heartache and loss.

“Let Me be enough,” He often whispers to my heart. “Let My love heal you.”

As I continue forward, I’m allowing God to love all of me.

I am no longer focused on the hurt or the loss but rather, my gaze is on God which is where it was supposed to be all along.

I’m focused on my new identity in Christ and walking into all that God has for me.

I’m focused on getting to know who Jesus is.

And, I’m taking advantage of this newfound freedom that I have to pour into myself.

And this time, there are no distractions around. It’s just me and God.

---