Chronicles of a Believer

---

I had a revelation from God that our relationship had become about performance. 

My spending time with God became based on how much I read my Bible, acts of service for people and even how much I was praying to Him. 

It all felt difficult and frustrating. And then it hit me. 

Last week, I felt like I wasn’t taking the time to slow down, when in fact, God had told me that I could spend more time with Him by being and receiving, which I hadn’t been doing a good job at. 

I began to crave success and notoriety, trying to do and add and try harder which only became exhausting and mundane. 

I was exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually.

I also believed that anytime I felt far from God, I thought I needed to try harder. If I read more of the Word, if I listened to a sermon, if I read this spiritual book, then maybe I would feel okay and things would be okay with God. 

All the while, I was telling God “Hey! Look at me! Look at all these things I am doing for You. Don’t You love me because of it? Won’t you bless me because of all these amazing things I am doing?” 

This mentality became tiring, and as I am writing this, I am reminded of the story of Elijah when he fled to a mountain and stayed in a cave. God told him to go out and stand on the mountain because He was about to pass by. 

There were earthquakes, strong winds and a fire but God was in none of them. After all of these happenings, God came to Elijah in a gentle whisper, in the stillness of all that had happened which is normally the last place I look for God. 

1 Kings 19: 8-12

But, I am thankful for this revelation and understanding so that I can invite God to free me from it and build an more authentic relationship with Him. I want to have authentic encounters with God, not just brief emotional experiences. 

It feels weird and uncomfortable to just be and to wait on His guiding and leading, but I am thankful He wants to do it for me. 

I also want to say that God already notices me. This He told me in one of my favorite Bible verses: 

Isaiah 43:1-2

What an honor and privilege it is to learn these things and to know that God is continually working in me and through me. 

I’m learning to be more intentional with my time, choosing to rest instead of going out and choosing to be alone or in small, intimate settings that focus on God. 

And when I want to try harder, I now know that I only need to surrender more. 

---