Chronicles of a Believer

I got tired of the rules.

I got tired of my relationship with Him feeling burdensome. I want to experience the joy and freedom many others speak about. I am not sure what I am looking for but I am trying to find my way, with Jesus of course. Much of my life right now consists of prayer with some reading the Bible. It’s not that I question the Bible, it is more so that sometimes it is difficult to read, and much of the time, I don’t want to read it.

Sometimes, I question what its purpose is in my life. I wonder why God revealed much of Himself through a book. He can choose to speak to us but He wants us to follow this book. I am questioning why I read the Bible and what role it plays in my life. I am not questioning its content but more so, would like to be more settled in my belief about its content and be fully convinced that this book is what I should adhere to.

But I am not fully there yet, and yet and still, deep in my soul and my heart, I trust that God is guiding me. I am not alone in this. It is scary though, as I find that I desire to be my own god.

I see my flaws and wish that I could do away with them so that I can be what God wants me to be: perfect. I still flinch at Him sometimes, wondering if His love is too good to be true. Wondering what the consequences of my actions would be, especially a habitual sin that I choose over and over again rather than Him. Yet, I struggle to muster up the strength to at least feel like I care or love God more than I love that sin. And He is very much aware because I go to Him about most everything now, even my struggles with loving Him more than I love my sin.

And it is scary because I do not know what will happen. I have heard that we will be accountable for our sins but I have never read it for myself. Instead, I have spent much of my faith not only reading the Bible but adopting other people’s perspectives of the Word and their interpretations, immediately trying to beat those doctrines into my head because I’d convinced myself that what they were saying was what I needed to be believing or else I was failing and not doing relationship with God the right way.

And now, I see that I must find my way, not apart from God but with Him. Just me and Him and no one else because after all, it is our relationship and it’s personal.